January 21, 2017 § 2 Comments
So hectic lately.
So many things happened in these few days. I have so much to write about but the feelings are dulled, unfortunately, But for starters, i put an end to MUN. I am tempted to return to my old posts where i chronicled all the MUNs i’ve been to when i was younger. Give me a taste of that youthful idealism, maybe.
But i don’t really have time to deal with these feelings right now. Work’s piling up and i have applications unfilled. Work is easy to clear, but it’s hard to finish the applications i have started. What are the odds that i will finally get what i want for something that is predicated on grades? Shame i didn’t have foresight to work hard previously to prove my worthiness.
I’m watching TV on half of my screen while writing on this half. Yes yes, i am pulling the “i have no time excuse” again. I’m coughing so much lately that i need cough syrup to help me not have my lungs burn. And cough syrup makes me sleep so much that it’s so hard to get any work done. But i’m okay for now. This week’s been okay. Not sure why but i used to sleep well during naps, but i absolutely cannot slip into deep sleep lately. It’s quite tormenting i must admit, but i’ll find a way to figure this out, as i always do.
The rest went out tonight to go to a club. Normally i’d jump at the opportunity to go out and have fun. There isn’t a lot of work up my alley right now though, but i told them i had some work to be done. I just couldn’t go out with the application hanging over my head. And even then, i think tonight’s good for staying in – nice that i have my fairy lights hung up in my room – it’s a wonderful place to be right now. I was still deliberating about going out earlier because Meow was going, and i’ve never been out with him, but i’m glad i did not. Where would i find the time to reflect on the things that occurred in the past few days?
This is very disjointed, but i have a lump in my throat thinking about the Monday that just passed. I teared up less than 5 metres away from the DPM because my feelings were all over the place, and when someone told me off, i couldn’t hold it in. I hate this about me – i wish i had more control over my tear ducts. I cry everywhere i go. It’s super embarrassing because i really don’t want to be seen as if i were a child. I know i was right and i know i did not mess up; i also know that my propensity for tolerating lectures is pretty high. I just fucked up that day. How will people entrust me with more responsibilities? But it’s okay, i will rectify this, and make sure no one will succeed at trampling all over me.
I had to write some 300 words elaborating my ideal career plan just now. It got me thinking about how i just cannot say anything in absolute terms. I envy Derek who knows what he wants and goes for it. I wish i knew exactly what i want. I’d go for it too.
But i can do this! I need to get busier. I’ll somehow get Sony Vegas downloaded and finally put together the pieces i filmed into what will probably be an incoherent strip that i will have absolutely no use for.
January 8, 2017 § 2 Comments
Realised that i can never rely on feelings.
Lately i’ve been reading up about neurological drugs, and it made me realise that what you feel can be manipulated by drugs (or by some neurological disorder). So… if i’m feeling angry right now, am i really angry, or is it just a blip in the system? Today i was feeling really off. Like… the kind of off i experienced during the six days of torment that was SMUN 2016.
I don’t know, it could be because i’m suddenly exposed to MUN again after a whole half a year of explicitly avoiding MUNs, but i feel this feeling of overwhelming familiarity. I think i forgot how tiring the whole MUN business can get. It’s so much cramped in a day. It’s even worse if you’re participating in one. Thank goodness this is just me being a chair. It’s still stressful, i think. Speaking to my co-chair made me really stressed out. I’m not sure if it’s the inherent stress, but i know for sure that i needed a lot of concentration to make the conversation work. I usually don’t have problems with speaking to people; but this took a lot of effort – not in the way that makes me roll my eyes or wna give up though. Idk, i think i was just intimidated with how he doesn’t waste his breath on words and how he seems to think that i’m dumb – been a while since i actually felt the need to impress someone (no i don’t like him in that manner). But what am i saying, right? These feelings could just be a blip – they sure do feel quite anomalous though.
It’s just a very very very exhausting day.
Shifting back to my room tmr, and i’m suddenly feeling apprehensive. Like i’m worried of being alone and having to take care of myself. But wtf, i do that all the time. I tell you my brain’s jumbled up today. It’s the first time i felt anything but relief about shifting in back. Dunno la, i accomplished nothing in these few days – what can i say?
January 2, 2017 § Leave a comment
Don’t know what was up with the hyper-optimistic post yesterday. Nothing much has changed, except that launching into 2017 has me realising that my health is in the gutter. It’s not like i don’t know, acutely, how fucked up my health is; but it hit me right on the first day of 2017 – and i better jolly well see this as a warning man.
So i had lunch with Kun (lmao i had tea with him on X’mas day too) and Wanz. The day went right. But i just might have had too much coffee – too much for the lifestyle i have right now – see sedentary and non-sleep-deprived. Lunch was wonderful, but we had dessert after, because we were reluctant about parting when we knew that we’d only see Kun months later. I had this really cloying bowl of glutinous rice dessert – i’ve had these things before, but i felt so nauseated eating it. I think there was too much milk and carbohydrates in it. Wanz couldn’t finish hers too, so i take it that it’s not my problem.
But on my way back home via our trusty train service, i started to have heart palpitations and cold sweats and all of the signs of an anxiety attack. I was nauseous and i had to stand the whole of the ride, and it made me feel so unwell and restless. I practically had to dance from toe to toe to stop myself from crawling out of my skin. This feeling was not new, i knew for sure. I’ve had that a lot in the first half of last year. I don’t know why either. Maybe too much time to myself to think.
Since if you’re still reading my blog even when i practically don’t update anymore, i see you as my friend. I don’t know who you are, but you’ve been here for a while, and you deserve to know some things. This anxiety thing has been a mild form i’ve had to deal with for ages – it rarely affects me like it did today, so physically acute. But i know how to keep a lid on things. It’s just that i was hoping that Day 1 of 2017 would turn out perfect. Except it didn’t, and in the worst way possible – god please do not remind me of how my lifespan is practically halved because of my lifestyle.
But i’m really trying though. I mean i sleep a whole lot, but it beats drinking till i practically lose whole chunks of memory. I pop pills (non-illegal la lmao), but i am adding exercise into my daily regime. I’m not a clean eater, but i have been cutting down on junk and crap from my diet. I don’t know, i just still feel like i cannot control my body and its inner-workings, and i do rely on medicine to keep things running. You might call this a problem, but i call this a way of managing. I wish i had more healthy means to manage my health, but i do not. I don’t know la, but i’m a roll of problems – what’s another issue to my “accolades”, right?
I know that this is not representative of how my year will turn out to be, but i’m just kind-of-sort-of really worried about my health issues. I’ll try to get things under control la ok.
December 31, 2016 § Leave a comment
Phew, last day of the year.
Mom said this year flashed past. But i disagree. It was an extremely fulfilling year, i’d say. It’s the same every year, huh? It’s always super fulfilling for me somehow. No fair right? Why does this bitch get to experience everything?! Well… i honestly don’t know. What i do know is that this year is pretty much watershed. It’s life-altering, almost. So much transpired. Here’s a summary:
- I’m learning
- Boys – bah. Blablablablabla. New day new boy.
- What’s to know? I’m always plagued with boy problems that it’s really nothing much. I’m not complaining. I mean, it’s always very exciting for me (and the people around me who listen to my rants). I also read that i might be in an arranged marriage by the end of next year. Don’t worry, i will hold a half decent wedding so that all my friends can come on the pretext of free booze. It’ll be fun times.
- No new music lately. I wish i’d listened to more and found more that i liked. There was a point where i kept learning about new music some years back, and it was life changing.
- I’m reading quite a bit. But it’s for school – does that count?
- I’m watching TV more lately. House, M.D. is really hard to have my eyes torn off of. Netflix is a thing guys!
- Blablablabla i don’t even know what to write! I don’t want to go into details.
LOL not really a summary, but you take what you get yo. I don’t usually have a NY’s resolution, but i think i will want to try studying really hard, for once. I have been breezing through studying my whole life man (let’s take the A Levels as an outlier), be damned that i start studying hard for once. That means going home less i think. I could totally deal with that. Wonder if i can deal with staying home for good next time. Damn.
December 25, 2016 § Leave a comment
This is probably the only movie that i have decided to visit at the pictures that i already know is trash. I mean guys! Just look at the fucking horrible poster! It’s the sort of Stephen Chow slapstick that screens every CNY that i will watch only because there is absolutely nothing else. But look at the poster again! There’s my main man… WONG KAR-WAI! I died when i saw this.
It’s the most conflicted i’ve felt in ages let me tell you. WKW did not direct this, but he wrote and produced this. It looks like an absolutely horrible show, but at the same time, he wrote and produced this! I don’t know man – is this the degeneration of auteurs? What happened to the Chinese directors that i used to worship? He’s not gna direct this, but he’s still the producer – so how should i feel about it? Is this it? Is this the point where all of my favourite directors give up professionalism in exchange for money and fame and other things that do not matter?
Okay i mean, my heart broke a bit when it came to ZYM and The Great Wall – because why is he acting in such a self-racist manner and being such an Anglophile, casting an American as the main character in a Chinese movie (don’t tell me The Great Wall isn’t a Chinese movie just because it is not written in Chinese – if it isn’t Chinese then i don’t know what else is)?! But at least i was still confident that The Great Wall would be cinematographically stunning. He will deliver on this, i was sure. But god! Look at See You Tomorrow! How can something like… (ugh) that be visually stunning at all?! How will it be meaningful like all the other WKW movies?! I’m just… devastated that WKW would produce something like this.
I finally realise how your idol can disappoint you, and this feeling sucks man. But at the same time, i’m kind of excited to see what WKW has to offer. I mean it’s some years since his last production. I really wna see if it’s as trashy as it looks or whether WKW will deliver. I have a feeling that it may be WKW masking something good under a something that looks deceivingly trashy, like some sublime message to show how he’s great even when it comes to slapsticks – that he will deliver even under the worst circumstances. Okay, i’m way ahead of myself and making crazy conjectures, but i sure hope it’s what i’m guessing. Or… i rly dk man. What’s going on with the world?! I’m sooooo confused right now. WKW is producing a slapstick? Trump is president? What’s next?!
Okay i’ll probably be watching this tomorrow, or some time soon. I’ll write about it then.
(Adding new stuff – 31/12/2016)
So, i did watch the movie the day after i wrote this. I watched both The Great Wall and See You Tomorrow. Both were good in their own ways, but let me tell you that WKW delivered something that was completely out of the realm of possibility.
I cannot imagine how anyone can deliver something that seems so impossible – to make a Stephen Chow-ish movie something that has a semblance of coherence, and to be something that is actually of value. I died watching parts i knew that were distinctly WKW. I mean this isn’t completely his work, but it’s close enough. And it’s the closest i’ve got to seeing him in the theatres. It’s different watching something that’s torrented on your computer and to actually see your idol’s work on the big screens man. He’s going to release something new next year (i hope) and please god let me live to the day i can see him onscreen.
December 11, 2016 § Leave a comment
Hello guys. It’s been ages since i wrote anything film-related. The last i did was to promise to write about the films i’ve watched. Which i kind of did renege upon, but not really. It’s really because i’ve been so caught up with… idk work that that i don’t have time to slot a whole movie in. I often finish about three-quarters of it only, and i don’t know why. I think i haven’t been able to find something that captures my attention for long enough. Raise the Red Lantern and La La Land are the only two movies i’ve managed to watch in whole – and La La Land was because i paid for it and had to sit it through haha.
I watched Raise the Red Lantern by Zhang Yimou some 6 months back i think. I’ve been meaning to write about it then when i had more time on my hand, but i watched it at a point when life was pretty damn challenging. I was trying my very best to sort my feeling and thoughts out, and it often ends up with me feeling afraid and unmotivated – i slept 70% of my days away and it’s needless to say that i do not have time for any writing. But i’m glad i watched it when i just broke up – it was an irony because so many scenes and lines resonated with me 6 months back. I really liked it, even though it broke my heart a bit.
Raise the Red Lantern or 大红灯笼高高挂 is a film by Zhang Yimou in his earlier directing endeavours, and the style of this film is extremely unlike that of the films he produces today. His films today are, while equally visually stunning, high-budgeted and have expansive and elaborate sets that rival even the biggest Hollywood productions. Oddly enough though, this is my favourite ZYM film of those i’ve watched (i’m almost done with all of the rest of his films).
This film stars Gong Li, telling the story from her character’s point of view. Her character is a 19-year old school drop-out who reluctantly chooses to get married. In Raise the Red Lantern, both sexual and emotional enslavement become central to the story. Gong Li’s character, in becoming the latest addition to The Master’s collection of concubines, very quickly learn that she has to hustle to become The Master’s favourite concubine. Red lanterns, literally, become synonym to success in this household. Having red lanterns lit outside one’s room indicates The Master choosing one to spend the night with.
While this film is unexpectedly about the drama that ensues between the concubines, it also outlines female desperation during this period (1920s China). Recall that emancipation for women didn’t come until much later, and we still see women entrenched in cycles of gendered vulnerability today – so i think this film delivers a really poignant message. I felt so much while watching the angst that unfolded among the four concubines in the household. It’s a sketch of manipulation and subtle scheming to get The Master’s undivided attention. What for, you may ask? This was something that i couldn’t help but to laugh at when i was watching this. I was going through a break up that is actually an attrition relating to feelings. If you actually read my posts then, you’d know how desperate i was to make things work – but they did not! And watching this made me realise that i could try my very best, but if he wasn’t willing, you could not make him.
What i really came to grow attached to in this film were the aerial shots and the sound mixing. I can’t show you the sound mixing here, but i liked how the ringing-jingling of the massage gavels sounded when a foot massage was ongoing. (The foot massage also represented something larger and cogent, which i really felt for) But you can see the visual shots here – very stunning, and representative how trapped these women were – that their whole lives, after marriage, was basically confined within these walls.
If i were to choose my favourite scene, it would be the moment when Songlian (Gong’s character) realises that she is basically helpless in the face of romance. It completely mirrored my situation then, and it made me feel completely helpless and at someone else’s whim. This was beautiful especially for me, because it made me realise that there was no point trying what i sought to – which was to mend a broken relationship. I just had to accept that there are many things out of my control, and that i had to let go. It was good – i am still accepting that many things are out of my control, and the more you try to control something that is way beyond your reach, is when it will likely go in the other direction. My luck when it comes to men is shit, so why bother right?
“I’m just one of the Master’s robes. He can wear it or he can take it off.”
December 1, 2016 § Leave a comment
Massive headache right now.
This semester went by perfectly. It’s a lot more than i can ask for, honestly. I think i made some decisions in the beginning that i regretted, but somehow have come to internalise and accept right now. I don’t regret what i have done.
I really enjoyed school this semester – it’s all i could have asked for. I was socially, internally, and academically very inspired. It’s hard explain why things are coming together so nicely, but i think meeting Leslie changed my life for the better a whole lot. I was still feeling resentful for a long time about why meeting him hasn’t changed me for the better; but i now know that it takes a lot of time for things to improve man. It’s a long road to normalcy; and i’m barely a quarter there, but i’ll try la ok.
Every single day this semester i count my lucky stars for all the people i’ve come to know better. I don’t know by what stroke of luck, but the people i’m around in these few months are really big-hearted and gracious. And i think i’ve never felt more motivated to be a better person because of them. Chris Chia told me he lives for others; but i now know that it was all bullshit – that if you really do genuinely care for others because you want them to be happy, you will not think of yourself in such a noble manner. These people around me are those who truly care about others man. I think what i’m learning the most is about how i should treat my family. Family has been a very thorny issue for me and i’ve not learned how to manage my feelings about them. But i think i’m learning a lot more when i speak to some of my CAPT friends. They are extremely considerate and they teach me how to show family the kindness that i’ve been shown. It’s still a lot for me to take in and i have so much to overcome; but i appreciate being around people who show me how important it is to care for family.
University itself is also very rigorous and engaging this semester, and i’m exposed to so many new things that i’ve never known about. It’s a lot of learning and i enjoy it a lot.
(abrupt end because my head hurts too much)