September 16, 2017 § Leave a comment
Everything exhausts me these days.
I have fewer than 12 hours of sleep and i’m so tired i can barely wake for the next day. But who the fuck has the time to spend 12 hours sleeping?
I hate to admit this, but coming home exhausts me. I’m so afraid to come home because i’m afraid of being answerable to people – people whom i care deeply for. How will i ever answer all the questions they have for me if i don’t have these answers myself?
September 6, 2017 § Leave a comment
Today my friend threw a hypothetical question to the floor.
It’s kind-of-sort-of controversial. My stand on it was very clear, and i could express my views on it very clearly. Some of them spent some time thinking about it and struggled with it. But i think we all could form our own conclusions of what we wanted to do in the hypothetical situation. One thing was clear from it – i have crossed a line and made decisions that put me in the position of a minority. And it was not something i could elucidate. I don’t regret what i’ve done wrt to this situation (mostly), but i guess i couldn’t help wishing i were more. And that i could feel better about myself in general.
To be fair though, i feel like this semester has seen me become more forgiving of myself in general. I have come to accept some things in life, and a general acceptance of what will become of me has significantly contributed to lowering my expectations of myself. I think that’s good if that means i’m more forgiving of myself, right? I can’t finish all 12 readings for this module for this week – oh that’s ok; i don’t want to commit myself to joining other people for a night’s out because i don’t feel like it – yep that’s fine; i make decisions and stay accountable for it even when people think poorly of my decision – i think that these are standards we should hold ourselves to.
I guess this is also, in general, me becoming more principled. I see myself walking away from situations that i don’t feel comfortable in. Or actually speaking out and standing up for the things that i think are wrong. Not everyone takes well to candour, but i can deal with people who want to stop hanging out with me if they feel like my direct telling them of what i feel about them is unacceptable compared to if i were to talk about them poorly behind their backs. I’m not necessarily right in this, but these are my principles. What’s the point if we were to spend all our precious hours sitting around and talking bad about someone else if that only makes us angrier right? And how can we justify claiming to be better than others if we’re merely badmouthing people behind their backs, right? Conclusion: we have to accept who we are and maybe stop pretending we are actually better.
of belonging – some photos
August 10, 2017 § Leave a comment
It’s just me and the lights and the bare walls here.
So i’ve shifted back into my room, but not everything’s up yet. I’ve been thrown off game lately, and I hadn’t had the time to properly pack for the upcoming semester. There are bits and pieces missing. Like how i’ve gotten some decorations for my room, but i don’t have the hooks and clips for them. And how i forgot that i cannot be simply thinking about myself only here. Funny how i was still looking forward to having some time to myself here. I’ll try though, but these bare walls are not helping and time is ticking away. I’ll soon be too consumed to spend time with myself, just doing the things i like, and moving at my own pace.
I’m feelings so listless now. I wish i had the drive and motivation and energy to take a video of my room in this state – so bare but still furnished with fairy lights. It’d make for a nice short clip, but i can’t find the power to conceptualize this shoot, and actually shoot it, and fucking edit it. Who am i kidding, i’m not some creative, i’m just a wannabe. Maybe i’ll wake tmr and everything will be fine.
I really miss my old neighbour. She was a very busy person and she didn’t spend much time in her room. She was quiet too.
July 15, 2017 § Leave a comment
Well hello there.
It’s been a long while since. But i thought that turning 21 would be a good juncture to slide in with some writing. At this point i’m not even sure if i can write in prose anymore – wtf happened to those days i used to ramble on and on?!
Anyway, i’m writing because i’m waiting for my video to render. I (kind of) recently came back from Botswana, Africa, and i’ve been tasked to do a video. And let me tell you that my subtitles are fucking up for some odd reason. The video’s good but the subs are just… not cooperating. Please let it render well omg.
So… Africa. I’ll link the video up here, but let me just put it out there that i teared up in Chobe National Park while we were on the jeep watching the sun set. The sunset videos aren’t gna be up yet because… it’s still in the making. I know i know, it’s been over a month already, but i’m just always tired lately. (what a non-excuse lol) Africa was literally unlike anything i’ve seen before. I mean, yes, i’ve watched Nat Geo on TV, but i think that Nat Geo is a poor representation of what Africa is like – at least for Botswana. It’s insane how i can be at arm’s length away from an elephant, but i think what that was beyond my imagination was how it was so so developed. I feel like i’ve been fooled by all the Western-centric literature i’ve read on Africa. You know what Botswana reminded me of when i landed? Australia, but not really. It is very slow-paced and the air is crisp, but it’s also kind of very very sandy, with hints of industrialisation creeping on them. I’m not very well-traveled ah, so the best i can compare it to would be a cross between Malaysia and Australia. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that i was in Africa and i’ve been to this distant continent that is so inaccessible. I’m self-funded for this trip la, but i wouldn’t be able to even think about visiting that continent if i wasn’t just… lucky. I mean, what can i say? So many more people are more worthy of this opportunity, and yet, i got to go. Okay, i think the least i can do is to put up some pictures i took during the trip right? Give me some time to torrent Lightroom and i’ll make it happen ok haha.
Okay photos. Speaking of which, i’m now really into photography. I mean i’m still really bad at it, but i really want to improve at this. I want it so bad that i recently spent $900 on a new lens. IKR – WAD DA FAK. Not bad, this is the most expensive thing i think i have bought with my own money – trip to Africa notwithstanding. So i was convinced by Ian to bring my camera along – i’d intended to just photograph and record videos with my phone, but thank fucking god i brought my camera. Idk man, i know i’ve always liked taking photos, but i always just used a phone. There’s a lot of thinking going into taking photos with a proper camera and i like that process. Ian’s been taking photos for a really long time, and i never really realised how good he was until i returned from the trip. He’s so good he’s paid to do wedding photography. It’s insane how i was shooting alongside someone so talented like him. He’s so good, but he’s so gracious when it comes to sharing knowledge, and i’m embarrassed that sometimes people entrust me to take photos for them and i run towards them in glee when Ian’s probably way better when it comes to this. He treats people (noobs) like me as his equal and still seeks to learn from even the worst of us, and i’m not sure if i can be half as kind. I just showed him the video i made, and he complimented me for it. But dude, wtf, we both know that it’s an amateur video. Yknow when some people compliment others, it’s very perfunctory and they don’t mean it (i do this sometimes LOL), but when he compliments people, you can sense that it’s genuine. And to be at this level means that he knows that he’s already far beyond us in ability and he’s teaching us. It’s just very kind and nice of him and he’s so good at photography that i want to be like him so badly. I don’t know when it started, but i began addressing him by “Master” as a joke – probably because i was impressed by one of his photos (again); and now, he’s the sort of person i want to be my shifu. But when Jolene or Meow address me by “disciple,” i’m often embarrassed to acknowledge because i am so completely out of my depth in this craft. I am such a complete amateur that i feel like i don’t deserve to be his disciple for real. Dude, it would take a really really really big heart to accept a disciple and teach him what you know of your craft, and i don’t think i should be asking that of anyone (yet). But i want to get better at this so badly! My father was a photographer but he’s throwing me in the deep end and he’s not helping me at all wtf. So i have resorted to asking some people i know if they’ll hire me to be their assistant when they decide to shoot for events – like i’m totally willing to hold lights and equipment and dresses for the whole day for free if they’re willing. I sound kind of crazy and obsessed, but i think this was in the coming. I mean, i’ve been so crazy about film in the past few years – it’s kind of a natural progression that i’d be about photography… right? (hurhur, i’m not too sure also wtf)
My head is hurting and i want to go to sleep so badly, but i can’t sleep yet because my video’s not done! OK IT IS DONE – THE SUBS ARE RUINED BUT WDV LA. I’m uploading it up on Youtube now!
Okay, i know there’s a lot more i want to say about my life right now, but i’m so exhausted. In short, i’m just so thankful for what i have and what i am. I am completely undeserving of all of this, and it pains me to know that i own these things, but i really don’t know what to do about it. Can i be a better version of myself for the people around me?
June 6, 2017 § Leave a comment
I just got back from Africa today.
Strange – it kind of feels like a distant past already. I think I know a lot of people who are currently having withdrawal symptoms from leaving the country, but two weeks is just nice for me – not that I do not immensely appreciate the opportunity to visit somewhere so far an inaccessible to most Singaporeans. It’s a really nice place, but as with all non-cities, it’s inevitable that I started to feel kind of bored. It’s like Aussie previously – a very nice place to visit, but I don’t think I can stand the slow pace of life. ADHD? Maybe.
I hadn’t intended for this to be me writing about film, but I couldn’t get Nocturnal Animals out of my head.
I caught Nocturnal Animals on the plane back home from Johannesburg, having heard absolutely nothing about it before, and it’s by far the most disturbing movie I’ve come to see in my entire life. I don’t say things like this lightly, but I know for sure that this film evoked an emotion that I have never felt before while watching a movie in my life.
This film stars Amy Adams and Jake Gyllenhaal (the only reason i’d chosen to watch it). Adams plays a rich artist, and in the film centers around a novel written by her ex-husband (Gyllenhaal), which he sent to her. Two stories play out alongside each other in the course of the film, with the scenes from the artist’s life interspersing with scenes from the novel. The dual-story approach which plays with the linearity of time and the continuation of space is not something new in film, but the plot was, to say the very least, highly perturbing.
Maybe it’s just me, but the scenes from the first chapter of the book in the story really impressed upon me. I found myself holding my breath multiple times during the movie, and it was extremely painful to watch. I don’t know man – I really think it could be that I was influenced by an event that occurred in my life once. It was so real, it felt almost like I was transported to that night when I had absolutely no control. Thinking about it makes me breathless, almost. I don’t think I can continue writing about this film. It’s, nonetheless, something that is very powerful.
April 4, 2017 § Leave a comment
Taking some time off to write.
I hit this semester’s rock bottom some days back. I tore open the letter addressed to me and erupted in a crying fit. It did not contain anything out of what i expected – just a reminder of what has become my routine. It was the time of the month, and i was thrown off – feeling at a loss with the Bs that i received, in spite of all the hours i spent working on my papers. I pulled all-nighters for Bs?! Am i really that poor at writing? I am trying – is it not enough? But i’m good now – much, much better. There’s a lot more work to come, but i feel more prepared for it.
I can’t remember what i was going to write about. It’s so disconcerting how my memory’s so bad lately. I google translate a Malay word and i forget its meaning within the next 5 seconds.
Right, i think i recall.
Something someone wrote on FB evoked some memories from last semester. Last semester was insane – in the best way possible. I was so alive last semester. I felt ecstasy for the most part; but i also enjoyed the lows i felt. I was looking at one of my instagram posts about one of the nights last semester. It was a confusing one. I didn’t know how to react to the situation i was placed in at that moment, and i reacted in the most passive and worst ways possible. Many words were exchanged, but i can’t fully come to terms with all that transpired. How do i truly feel about that night? And the nights that occurred as a result of that one?
What kind of person am i?
Today is your birthday, and i am tempted to say “I forgive you, let’s move on.” But… i can’t.
January 21, 2017 § 2 Comments
So hectic lately.
So many things happened in these few days. I have so much to write about but the feelings are dulled, unfortunately, But for starters, i put an end to MUN. I am tempted to return to my old posts where i chronicled all the MUNs i’ve been to when i was younger. Give me a taste of that youthful idealism, maybe.
But i don’t really have time to deal with these feelings right now. Work’s piling up and i have applications unfilled. Work is easy to clear, but it’s hard to finish the applications i have started. What are the odds that i will finally get what i want for something that is predicated on grades? Shame i didn’t have foresight to work hard previously to prove my worthiness.
I’m watching TV on half of my screen while writing on this half. Yes yes, i am pulling the “i have no time excuse” again. I’m coughing so much lately that i need cough syrup to help me not have my lungs burn. And cough syrup makes me sleep so much that it’s so hard to get any work done. But i’m okay for now. This week’s been okay. Not sure why but i used to sleep well during naps, but i absolutely cannot slip into deep sleep lately. It’s quite tormenting i must admit, but i’ll find a way to figure this out, as i always do.
The rest went out tonight to go to a club. Normally i’d jump at the opportunity to go out and have fun. There isn’t a lot of work up my alley right now though, but i told them i had some work to be done. I just couldn’t go out with the application hanging over my head. And even then, i think tonight’s good for staying in – nice that i have my fairy lights hung up in my room – it’s a wonderful place to be right now. I was still deliberating about going out earlier because Meow was going, and i’ve never been out with him, but i’m glad i did not. Where would i find the time to reflect on the things that occurred in the past few days?
This is very disjointed, but i have a lump in my throat thinking about the Monday that just passed. I teared up less than 5 metres away from the DPM because my feelings were all over the place, and when someone told me off, i couldn’t hold it in. I hate this about me – i wish i had more control over my tear ducts. I cry everywhere i go. It’s super embarrassing because i really don’t want to be seen as if i were a child. I know i was right and i know i did not mess up; i also know that my propensity for tolerating lectures is pretty high. I just fucked up that day. How will people entrust me with more responsibilities? But it’s okay, i will rectify this, and make sure no one will succeed at trampling all over me.
I had to write some 300 words elaborating my ideal career plan just now. It got me thinking about how i just cannot say anything in absolute terms. I envy Derek who knows what he wants and goes for it. I wish i knew exactly what i want. I’d go for it too.
But i can do this! I need to get busier. I’ll somehow get Sony Vegas downloaded and finally put together the pieces i filmed into what will probably be an incoherent strip that i will have absolutely no use for.